The first term is ending and it is clear this feeling of tension in the air. I’ve had peaks and downs, but overall I am learning a lot. Studying Digital Humanities, which I like to define as the border between humanities and technology, is a great challenge for someone who has been basically creating digital and non-digital content for the past five years, or all my career life.
Not only is it a shift in my career, but also a great move towards my goal to go closer to the management teams, having a view from a business perspective in project management. One of the most shocking points is to realize how much of very traditional subjects is inside so much technology. In other words, I cannot imagine how digital archives in any organization would exist without librarians and their methods and theories.
Also, it has been a challenge. I am working hard. Sometimes I feel like a fraud, like “what am I doing here?”, as if the King’s College staff had given me an offer by accident. Then I remember the Lean In book, written by the brilliant Sheryl Sandberg, who reminds that every woman has this same feeling… It is when I try to calm myself down, because if I am here, it is because I did it on my own merit and yes, I am able to get this stuff done.
Obviously, it never works.
I am surrounded by so many bright young people. They inspire me. I get so many inputs of them. But then I feel down again, realizing that I am working so hard and still did not overcome everything. I feel everyone is doing great and I am wasting my time, I am getting mediocre results. I do want to make an outstanding job here, I do not want just to pass. I want pass it GREATLY.
And again, I try to focus on what I’ve accomplished so far. I’ve worked so hard for at least four years to save money to study my MA with no scholarship; achieved an amazing score on TOEFL, managed to invest in a great move near my 30’s, alone, while my friends are buying their houses. I’ve written one monograph about mobile journalism that was partially published in a book, I’ve covered international tech conferences, and so on… I’ve been looking for internships on my own, in companies that I really want to work for (and not just to fill in my CV)…
It is a constant resilience exercise. Breath in, don’t panic. Keep walking. Because all this is part of this process, it is all part of me. And if there is something intangible that I am definitely learning evolving in, it is dealing with the uncertain.
In one of my internship sessions, the lecturer said that men usually look at the job description for one position and think “well, I can handle 30% of this, I will apply for it”. Women in a similar situation think “Ooh, I can only do 70% of it, I’d better find position I can really fit in”.
Then, again, Sheryl Sandberg pops up in my mind. Sheryl, everyday you go to your office at Facebook HQ, do you have this feeling? Is it how it feels, how I am feeling now? I am converting it to motivation; however, it is such a painful process. Does it ever go away? I would love to interview you.
I will do it greatly. I am already doing it greatly. I will just keep walking… keep walking… Because someday I will look back and understand that I am so far ahead from this moment right now, that it will make sense. This exhausting feeling is just because I did not walk. I ran a marathon.