One of my friends perfectly described me as a roller coaster. Sometimes I am flying with joy and amusement; however, just a little later, I am drowning in deep sadness and despair. I would say he nailed it. Roller coaster is Gabi in a nutshell.
Being just 45 days before my flight, I am going through a mix of different moments. In a short time of a day, I can be very excited, thinking about where I will live, the classes I will have, the photowalks I will do, the museums I will visit, the people I will meet, the opportunities I will have, the trips I will do. Then, a sudden moment of sadness comes to my mind because of the people I will miss, the family I will leave, the comfort I will give up, the distance I will travel. Also, I get extremely concerned about the money I will spend, the uncertainties I will accept, the house I still do not have, the obstacles I will face, and the visa I am still waiting for!
Or: what if. Two words that are capable of freaking me out. Totally.
No one will ever understand how I put those feelings inside me. Perhaps I am like this because I categorize them in different boxes, so they can’t ruin one another. Think about the intensity of living each of them. Nothing is perfect, and a tiny little sad thing can impact your happiness. Since I separate them in such different places inside me, I can live with them all with my strength. I am able to forget all the negativity around me in order to fully appreciate the bright side of things. But when I feel down, oh my friend, I really feel down.
And in the middle of all those boxes, I am feeling a little lost. There are so many things to deal with and I just ask for everyone around me: please, give me attention. Do not leave me alone right now. I don’t actually need to open one of those boxes to you… and I know the time we will be together will definitely be well spent. Because that is how I am, that is the support I need. I need to feel I am here, but I have somewhere to go when I need to get rid of everything around. I promise: although I might be annoying sometimes, I will be just intense.
Maybe you call me passionate. Or even exaggerated. I don’t care. I just need to keep my mind busy.
blackbird singing in the dead of night
take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to arise